The first day back...

I survived my first "day" back at work. I'm only working from 9am-2pm this week, simply because I have to keep the swelling down and have two hours of PT to do after work. So, 5 hours has the potential to go by pretty fast and is very manageable.

That said, I'm exhausted already. I had insomnia last night, worrying about going back to work of all things. I don't like being out of the loop and felt so lost when I walked into the office today. The whole office was rearranged while I was out, and even my desk was moved and on the other side. I wandered the cube maze until I found my name plate.

Once I managed to get into my computer, I had over 6000 e-mails to wade through. I spent two hours straight on this task and still have about 1000 left to go through. I had to stop reading them and just start dumping some and keeping the ones to be read at a later time. It was astounding. Then I found out that there were some IT changes and all of the documents/files I had stored on my desktop are now gone...permanently. There is no way to get them back. Lovely. Could they have told me about this BEFORE I left so I could save stuff? HA.

There is a saying that the more things change the more they stay the same...this is how work is for me. Overall, the basic concepts are still there as the federal government still isn't forcing lenders to work with their customers, no matter how much they like to tout how much this stimulus will help homeowners. Hogwash. Things will not change until they are forced to change.

There are just little procedural changes that individually don't amount to much, but when you pile them on it becomes overwhelming. I will muddle through and be up to speed quickly, no doubt, but feel like I have mush for brains and it's only day #1!

Shoes suck

My physical therapist asked me to bring my left shoe with me for sessions, so that I don't walk on the treadmill in bare feet or in socks. I suppose this IS slightly dangerous so I attempted to comply. First I had to FIND the left shoes, because I haven't actually worn them since October. I have a vast collection of right shoes lined up in my foyer. It's quite humorous.

I tried to squeeze into every left shoe that was remotely fit for walking on a treadmill. This was not only very painful, but really didn't work either. I couldn't find ONE PAIR that fit on the left foot! My ankle doesn't look that swollen anymore, but I guess looks are deceiving. So, I trekked out to the shoe outlet and bought a new pair of New Balance tennis shoes in a 9 Wide. They fit, though uncomfortably...

I went to PT on Wednesday and after the whirlpool warm up I put my foot in the shoe for my exercises and 7 minutes on the treadmill. It felt like I was walking on a lump under the side of my left foot. I actually thought there was something in the shoe until I realized that the lump was my own swollen foot!

After PT I came home and attempted to put the shoe on again. It was as if the shoe shrunk two sizes...there was NO WAY I was getting my foot in the damn thing. I managed to get it back on today, after a whole day of rest yesterday, and now the process has started all over again.

I really hope that my shoe collection isn't banished forever. I had to replace every shoe after Ryan was born when I permanently grew a half size. After 3 years of adding to the collection it would suck to have to get rid of everything or have to buy stuff in larger sizes that will be too big in just a few months once the swelling really goes away.

Grrrr...shoe shopping is my least favorite activity to begin with because I have always had weird feet. They're in between a medium and wide width and nothing ever fits right. Most women would LOVE to have an excuse to shoe shop, but not this girl. Just one more side effect of the surgery I suppose.

Last week of freedom

Officially this is my last week at home, as I return to work on Monday. I'll only be working from 9am-2pm to get started, but once I tack on 2 hours of PT (which starts at 2:45pm) it's basically a very full day. Well, only 3 days a week will be like this. I get a reprieve on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but am supposed to do my exercises at home 2x/day. We'll see how that goes.

This week has been very challenging for me. Since I was cleared on Monday by my doctor I have wanted to conquer the world--or at least the clutter in my house. On Tuesday, I started with Ryan's room and cleared out 3 boxes of stuff to take to Once Upon a Child. Problem is, the boxes are ready to go but I keep forgetting to have Aaron put them in my car because I can't carry them down the stairs and out the door. So, this will get done Saturday. Naturally, Ryan's room now looks like a cyclone went through because a 3 year old can total a room in about 3.5 seconds flat. Grrr...

I spent a couple of hours yesterday mucking out my bedroom since this hasn't been done since I was first put in a cast on October 4th. A lot of clutter builds up in 4 months--I was shocked! I took 4 whole bags of clothes to the Salvation Army and it still doesn't look like I have made much progress. OK, so I probably haven't purged in longer than 4 months--most likely during "spring cleaning" last year. Sheesh.

The good news--I put on and zipped up pants that I could not wear at the end of last summer. I was shocked! I haven't weighed myself yet, because I hate seeing the # and prefer to go on how things fit. But, it appears that I've lost one whole pant size and that's pretty crazy considering how sedentary I have been since October.

The bad news--all of this activity has really made my foot hurt and swell up like mad. I did so much yesterday before PT that it hurt before PT even started. Last night it ached almost as bad as a week or two post-op, so that really clued me into the fact that I have to slow down and take (excuse the pun) baby steps to get things done.

So today I'm resting and taking it easy. I feel guilty, like I should be doing something, but my body says NO! I have a horrible time just sitting around when I could be doing something productive. This surgery didn't fix that problem. I think only psychotherapy will.

Cleared!

Woo hoo! I have officially been cleared to return to work on Monday, Feburary 23rd! I can only go back for 5 hour shifts at first, because I sit all day at my job and this will cause swelling and I still have to go to PT for 1.5 hrs three times per week. My doc doesn't want me to overdo it at first, so he will gradually increase my hours depending on how my body handles this load. As of today I still can't fit my foot in a regular shoe--so I have to get this swelling down because the doctor doesn't want it to get any worse.

More good news--the 2nd read of the MRI didn't show any tears of the tendons! However, there is still a lot of inflammation that could be making visualizing a tear difficult. So, doc is keeping me in the lace up brace and gave me a prescription for topical anti-inflammatory gel to use on both ankles to reduce the swelling. If in 6-8 weeks I still have a lot of pain he may send me for a repeat MRI. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully it's just a ticked off tendon.

Physical therapy today was good too--I managed 5 minutes on the treadmill today and added quite a few more exercises to my repertoire. It's pretty tender today, so I'll be icing and elevating tonight. Where, I'm not sure. We are getting new couches tomorrow and had to take my trusty couch out today to make room. So, basically there is the floor and one recliner available. I have a feeling Aaron and I will be arguing over the chair. Of course we get new comfy couches once my time relegated to the couch is up...figures!

I'm looking forward to getting back to a normal life soon. Might not be so excited to be back at work once I get there, but I miss my friends and miss being challenged everyday. Just knowing that I can go back is a big mood lifter!

I walked!

PT today made me feel like a champion!

First the super relaxing whirlpool--need one of those at home, badly, but think they cost a lot of dough. Will have to resort to heating pad and regular bathtub.

Then, a nice foot and ankle massage to loosen up the ankle. This hurts a lot where the doc removed that piece of bone, but feels great everywhere else. I could get used to this part of PT.

Some stretching...and then...

3 minutes on the treadmill!!!!!

...at 0.5 miles per hour. Yes, you read that right--half a mile per hour! Holy hell was that slow, but still really difficult. Since October I have been walking like a pirate, all peg-legged, and I have to re-train my foot to walk normally and roll. Those muscles are so atrophied that this is going to take a LONG time, but that's just life.

After the treadmill calf raises (ouch) and balancing on the injured foot (double ouch.) Then ice and I was outta there feeling good--like I have finally accomplished something again!

Yea for me!

All alone...

The house is eerily quiet tonight because Aaron and Ryan left this morning for a road trip. Their big adventure--going to Louisville, KY for some Farm Equipment expo. Why? Because our 3 year old is in love/obsessed with tractors, so my guys and Aaron's parents drove 6 hours to take Ryan to the Mecca of farm equipment. Over one million square feet of everything farming.

I, of course, cannot handle mobility through one million square feet so I stayed home. Well, that's not the only reason. I could have gone on the trip and just stayed in the hotel, gone to the indoor pool, etc...but I still would have felt cooped up and I'd rather be cooped up in my own house, with my own bed, etc...

And a little bit of personal freedom too :) Since surgery the number of times Aaron has gone to the office I can count on one hand. If he wasn't home then Ryan was. I have rarely been alone this whole recovery period and to tell you the truth it isn't so bad. Today I turned the iPod up and listened to some tunes while (carefully) doing a few household chores. I took the dog for a very brief walk, twice, which I haven't done since mid-December. This chore still sucks in the dead of winter by the way. I also changed the cat's litter (didn't miss that one either) and did laundry. Then I had to stop and remind myself that just because I have the opportunity to get a ton of stuff done doesn't mean I am actually able to do so. That's a bummer because my closet REALLY needs to be mucked out.

But, now that everything is done and I'm sitting in bed alone...I miss my guys. I know they're going to have a great weekend. I just can't wait until I'm recuperated fully and can participate in more family activities again.

Let's get physical!

I started physical therapy (henceforth referred to as PT) yesterday! Well, I really started PT back in November to strengthen my leg up for surgery, but just went back yesterday for the first time since surgery. My therapists are Mike and Gabe, and they're really cool guys.

I started out in the (foot) whirlpool and that felt Sooooo good. The heat really loosened up my ankle and in the pool I did my "alphabet exercises." This basically means that I have to make each letter of the alphabet with my foot to loosen it up.

From there I got a brief scar massage and Mike felt around for any adhesions/tightness. This felt good and hurt like hell all at the same time. My range of motion is good up and down, but it's REALLY hard for me to go side-to-side.

Next I did some light calf/hamstring stretching...then we got serious with the resistance band. I had to use this to really stretch side to side. My foot did not like this idea at all and the muscles twitched like crazy.

The hardest exercises are the calf raises (using only 25% of my body weight on the left ankle) and balancing about 25% of my weight on my left leg. This hurt and wore me out. I have to back off a little bit because pain is not good and is my body's way of telling me STOP. I have to listen.

So, this was followed up w/ 15 min of ice...and the whole process took 1.5 hours! I'm supposed to do this 2x/day, everyday, as long as it's not too painful or inflamed. 3 hours a day of PT! I have this much time NOW but have no idea how I'm going to manage when I go back to work. Maybe this is why my doctor said I won't be going back FT at first...now I'm starting to think he's not so crazy after all!

Tenosyno-what?

I got the MRI results today, which did not show any tears of ligaments or tendons upon the first reading. However, it did show tendonitis and tenosynovitis in the peroneus longus tendon. (Left ankle surgery was on the peroneus brevis) The doctor is having a 2nd radiologist read the MRI because he's not completely convinced that the tendon is not torn, because of the damage that was done to the left ankle and only a very small tear showed up on that MRI. I should know more next Monday.

So, if it is just tendosynovitis then I basically have to immobilize the ankle as much as possible to see if it will heal itself. I didn't really know what tendosynovitis was until I got home and did some research. It's kind of an inflammation of the sheath that helps the tendon move and when it gets damaged it swells up and causes pain and difficult mobility. Kinda like carpal tunnel syndrome in the ankle.

Sometimes it can be "cured" with immobilization and extra support--hence my new sexy brace! We can also try cortisone shots and other conservative therapies, but sometimes surgical intervention is required just like with carpal tunnel syndrome.

I had carpal tunnel surgery a few years ago--no huge deal and it was really successful. I'm just hopeful that this time the conservative treatment actually works because another surgery on my ankle just is not at the top of my to-do list anytime soon.

Good news--I was cleared for physical therapy for my left ankle and get to start on Wednesday! If that goes well I might be cleared to go back to work next week! So, there is a lot of positive news today--no visible tears, (so far) manageable treatment of the right ankle, I can start walking again, and physical therapy. Overall, a better day than I expected and I'm pleased!

Found my marbles...

I am bound and determined to get this left foot moving again soon, so I'm doing my own PT until the doc releases me to the drill sargeant. Nothing too strenuous--just some light stretching and toe movement exercises.

Today's trick--for your viewing pleasure by video today--picking up marbles with my toes and putting them into a cup. I thought this would be fairly easy, and it's really not too horrible. I have good motion with my big toe, but my little toes are fairly weak. So, they need a workout. My pinky toe is almost completely numb, so he needs a wake up call.

It amazes me that just picking up marbles with my toes can work the other muscles in my leg as well--it just shows me how out of shape I really am right now. I feel like a blob, but maybe my new gym in a bag will help with that problem. I just gotta get it out of the bag...

MRI is done

I suffered through the MRI this morning, slightly stoned from the valium. I just stared blankly at the ceiling, wondering if anyone has really ever counted all of those little holes before. It was a very small dose of valium--I can only imagine how crazy my thoughts would have been if he had given me a bigger dose!


My right ankle really hurts today--I don't know if this is from being pinned in the thing for the MRI or just because there is something wrong with it. I guess I'll find out on Monday. I'm going to have to find something to take my mind off of the waiting.


My left ankle actually hurts less than the right one today...weird. It's almost always the other way around, but I guess this means I'm making progress.

My "gym in a bag" was delivered the other day. Amazon has become my best friend since surgery! The "gym" is basically a bunch of resistance bands, weights, and a DVD. I think I might try to start doing some upper body work soon and perhaps some light stretching with my left leg. I feel like a total blob and have zero stamina anymore.


I still haven't gone out yet to buy the marbles. Why marbles, you say? Have I finally lost all of mine? Very funny. They're actually for PT. I'm supposed to throw a bunch of them on the floor and try to pick them up with my toes and put them into a jar or a bowl. This is supposed to get the muscles of the foot moving again. I haven't technically been cleared to start this yet, but I'm not sure it can really hurt to pick up marbles. I just have to go get them first!

That's it for now. Keep thinking "just a sprain" for me and keep those fingers tightly crossed!

Tomorrow...

I have my right ankle MRI tomorrow morning and am seriously dreading it. I don't know if that's because I just hate MRI's (claustrophobic, hence the valium prescription) or I'm more afraid of the results. At this point, nothing the report can tell me would be a shocker. I fully expect the worst but really hope for the best.

At one point I started to pray that the doctor is wrong and nothing is seriously wrong with the ankle. But then I started to feel very selfish...there are so many more people in this world who need their prayers answered more than me.

On Monday a friend's son will go in for open heart surgery. He is only a few months old and needs the prayers way more than me. I would definitely suffer through another surgery so that he can have a happy and healthy life.

Another friend has a mother suffering from breast cancer. I would gladly suffer another surgery and recovery so that she has more time for treatment and maybe one day a cure.

Two friends are pregnant with their first babies--I would gladly suffer more in order for them to have happy and healthy babies.

And one more friend has a baby who needs surgery in April. I would have my foot amputated to ensure nothing bad happens to him or anyone else I know and love. I can live w/o a foot, but I have no idea how someone could live without their child.

So, don't say prayers for me. Say prayers for the ones who really need them. Just keep your fingers crossed for me. I have faith that everything happens for a reason and will deal with whatever hand I am dealt.

Medical mystery

To say my health has been an enigma for the last 9-10 years is an understatement. At my lowest point, I believe in 2002 or 2003 (the years blend together) I really wondered if I was losing my mind. Now, as I'm facing another MRI for a possible tendon/ligament tear, I'm starting to look for answers. What is the common denominator here and why hasn't anyone figured it out yet?

I keep coming back to my stint on Accutane for 6 months in college, from around September 1998 to May 1999. The drug is super powerful with a million side effects from depression (got that one) to birth defects (each pill packet has deformed fetuses all over the place). Could this drug be what has caused all of my medical issues all along?

Since May, 1999 I have had the following:

In March 1999 I just stopped having periods--this was chalked up to the "wrong" birth control pill but I have never been regular since. While on Accutane women of childbearing age must have preg tests monthly, so I knew that wasn't the problem. But no one could figure out why someone who had been on the same brand of pill for 4-5 years consistently would just stop menstruating.

In August 2000 I had bilateral TMJ surgery, as the discs in my jaw started to calcify and there were times my mouth would get locked open or closed. The discs were removed and replaced with my own fat. Gross, I know. My insurance company would not pay for the surgery so my loving parents shelled out over $10k so I could open my mouth properly. I had the surgery 3 months before my wedding--crazy.

September/October 2000--Left wrist carpal tunnel/ganglion cyst surgery. The cyst was so calcified and wrapped around a tendon that the doctor had to cut the tendon, remove the cyst, and then repair the tendon he cut. It was supposed to be a 15 minute procedure that turned into an hour and a half.

After a bad exposure to mold in 2002, my body went nuts. Every major system went out of control and I was mis-diagnosed with a few terminal diseases until the doctors just gave up and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me--all of my scans and blood work came back normal, but my body was in a state of super inflammatory shock. Eventually, I went all the way out to Johns Hopkins and the docs there diagnosed me with fibromyalgia--probably because they just didn't know what else to do.

In 2003 an MRI discovered 4 slipped discs in my neck--generally attributed to the weight of my enormous boobs, and the degeneration was largely ignored. I had a breast reduction, which was also a raging disaster as my body rejected the internal stitches (I told you I had experience with this) and developed cellulitis.

While I was pregnant I was generally "healthy" except for the preeclampsia--probably a result of my immune system issuess but no one knows for sure.

In 2006 I saw an orthopedist about my chronic shoulder pain--bilateral MRI's show that I only have one intact tendon in my right shoulder and one that is torn in my left. I have never been a pitcher, have never had an accident, and the cause of these tears is an enigma. How can someone just spontaneously tear tendons in the shoulder?

In 2006 the ganglion cyst in my wrist came back. I saw a specialist who took one look at my hand x-rays and told me that he's convinced within 5-10 years I will be diagnosed with some sort of connective tissue disorder because my hands look like those of someone double my age. Swell! I'm like a ticking time bomb.

And now in 2008 I was walking down stairs and tore the peroneus brevis tendon...a tear so bad that my doctor, who is approaching 70, says it was one of the worst tears he has ever seen. On Thursday I go for an MRI of my right ankle, as the pain and swelling suggests I tore something over there also.

Sheesh. I'm probably forgetting something.

I just don't understand why my body does what it does, so I started thinking about all of the medications I took when I was really sick after the mold exposure. Levaquin is notorious for tendon failure, and I did take the drug in 2002 or 2003, so that was my first guess. There are tons of lawsuits for Levaquin and its family of drugs.

BUT, the TMJ and wrist issues started WAY before that...so I have done a little digging...and found that in 2000 and then 2005 there were recommendations made that the labels that come with Accutane warn patients of potential bone, joint, tendon, and connective tissue disorders which have been seen amongst patients.

AHA! Of course I could never PROVE that all of this is caused by the Accutane (or at least I couldn't do it on my own, but an expensive attorney might be able to) but it is kind of refreshing to know that I am not alone and there may be an answer to why my body is a freaking mess. It doesn't change anything for me physically, but psychologically is helps to know that I am probably not crazy and this stuff really isn't in my head. Obviously--you can't have an imagined torn tendon--but sometimes I do feel like people look at me and think I'm a hypochondriac.

There is never a day that goes by that I'm not in some pain--muscle, joint, etc...I have learned to deal with some of it and push through, but it's hard. Something always goes wrong--I take one step forward and then go two in the opposite direction.

I try to remember the good things in life--I am not suffering from a terminal disease (at least that we know of!) I have a loving and supportive family, a great kid and husband, a roof over my head, etc...there is so much to be grateful for and to appreciate. Now if I could just walk around and do it!!!

The good news...

I know it's not the clearest picture, but LOOK--the incisions look really good! The area that was rejecting stitches just looks like the tip of a pen now, so God willing the rejection is over. Even the swelling is better, which is all relative at this point.

So this is the good news of the day. I'm glad that left foot is looking good and that only 6 1/2 weeks after surgery I would have been released today.

I'm still wrestling with the bad news for left foot. I try not to think about it, since I won't get the results until Monday, but it's hard just not knowing. Aaron and I really want to get away somewhere in March or April, just for a long weekend, but at this point I can't make plans to do anything. Will I be able to walk? Will I be in some crazy brace(s)? Will I be in a wheelchair?

So many questions and not enough answers. Bear with me as I try to come to grips with my new reality.

What's wrong with this picture?

Have you guessed yet? There is something really wrong about this photo.

The left foot is "healing nicely" and looks really good. My doctor wanted to compare range of motion and swelling vs. my right foot.

Uh oh...I had to show him.

He took one look at the right one and said "what in the heck happened to your right ankle?" as he peered at the residual bruising and swelling from my fall last Tuesday. It has hurt a lot since the fall, but I was in denial and chalking it up to an overuse injury since the right leg/ankle have been doing all of the work since October.

Well, there is a lot of pain, swelling, popping and clicking right where the ligament meets one of the ankle bones. Doc's theory--partial or complete tear of one of the ligaments. He literally looked at me and said, "this is a big mess." And he didn't say this in a joking/light manner--he was dead serious (unusual for this doc who has a keen sense of humor.)

I have an MRI on Thursday morning to find out and will get results on Monday.

The doc didn't even know what to do. He was going to let me start PT but can't if I can't put full weight on the right leg. He normally would have put me in another CAM walker as a precautionary measure, but because of their size it's impossible to put someone in two walkers. So, he settled for the "una boot" shown above--basically there is a medicated wrap under the ace bandage. The medication helps relieve the swelling and provides some localized pain relief. I had one before and it was OK--gets hot quickly and is kind of messy. I get to take it off myself before my appointment on Thursday for the MRI.

He gave me valium for the MRI because this one is going to take longer. I don't think he gave me enough because might need it to get through this week of not knowing my fate. I thought about saying a lot of prayers but then feel selfish. There are so many people in worse situations throughout the world that this is a piece of cake. It just sucks for me...

And for my poor family. Luckily, Aaron has promised to not change the locks until we get the test results. I'm grateful that he's not kicking me out into the snow....for now.

Tomorrow...tomorrow...

I go back to the doctor tomorrow afternoon for another fun-filled appointment.

Last week, I was delusional. I think in the back of my mind I really thought I would walk into my appointment, the doc would look at my healing ankle and say "OK, you can go back to work, back to walking, have a great life."

Like I said...delusional.

This week I'm hoping that the special brace has come in so I can get out of the moon boot and that the doc thinks the swelling has reduced enough to send me to physical therapy and/or back to work.

I don't think he's going to send me to PT for at least one more week (he said at the earliest week 7) and said he probably wouldn't send me to work until I have been in PT for a week. I have to get used to walking again before he's going to release me into the world.

So in essence I expect more of the same tomorrow and almost feel like the appointment is useless--unless I get the brace and can get rid of the CAM walker. Fingers crossed.