Found my marbles...

I am bound and determined to get this left foot moving again soon, so I'm doing my own PT until the doc releases me to the drill sargeant. Nothing too strenuous--just some light stretching and toe movement exercises.

Today's trick--for your viewing pleasure by video today--picking up marbles with my toes and putting them into a cup. I thought this would be fairly easy, and it's really not too horrible. I have good motion with my big toe, but my little toes are fairly weak. So, they need a workout. My pinky toe is almost completely numb, so he needs a wake up call.

It amazes me that just picking up marbles with my toes can work the other muscles in my leg as well--it just shows me how out of shape I really am right now. I feel like a blob, but maybe my new gym in a bag will help with that problem. I just gotta get it out of the bag...

MRI is done

I suffered through the MRI this morning, slightly stoned from the valium. I just stared blankly at the ceiling, wondering if anyone has really ever counted all of those little holes before. It was a very small dose of valium--I can only imagine how crazy my thoughts would have been if he had given me a bigger dose!


My right ankle really hurts today--I don't know if this is from being pinned in the thing for the MRI or just because there is something wrong with it. I guess I'll find out on Monday. I'm going to have to find something to take my mind off of the waiting.


My left ankle actually hurts less than the right one today...weird. It's almost always the other way around, but I guess this means I'm making progress.

My "gym in a bag" was delivered the other day. Amazon has become my best friend since surgery! The "gym" is basically a bunch of resistance bands, weights, and a DVD. I think I might try to start doing some upper body work soon and perhaps some light stretching with my left leg. I feel like a total blob and have zero stamina anymore.


I still haven't gone out yet to buy the marbles. Why marbles, you say? Have I finally lost all of mine? Very funny. They're actually for PT. I'm supposed to throw a bunch of them on the floor and try to pick them up with my toes and put them into a jar or a bowl. This is supposed to get the muscles of the foot moving again. I haven't technically been cleared to start this yet, but I'm not sure it can really hurt to pick up marbles. I just have to go get them first!

That's it for now. Keep thinking "just a sprain" for me and keep those fingers tightly crossed!

Tomorrow...

I have my right ankle MRI tomorrow morning and am seriously dreading it. I don't know if that's because I just hate MRI's (claustrophobic, hence the valium prescription) or I'm more afraid of the results. At this point, nothing the report can tell me would be a shocker. I fully expect the worst but really hope for the best.

At one point I started to pray that the doctor is wrong and nothing is seriously wrong with the ankle. But then I started to feel very selfish...there are so many more people in this world who need their prayers answered more than me.

On Monday a friend's son will go in for open heart surgery. He is only a few months old and needs the prayers way more than me. I would definitely suffer through another surgery so that he can have a happy and healthy life.

Another friend has a mother suffering from breast cancer. I would gladly suffer another surgery and recovery so that she has more time for treatment and maybe one day a cure.

Two friends are pregnant with their first babies--I would gladly suffer more in order for them to have happy and healthy babies.

And one more friend has a baby who needs surgery in April. I would have my foot amputated to ensure nothing bad happens to him or anyone else I know and love. I can live w/o a foot, but I have no idea how someone could live without their child.

So, don't say prayers for me. Say prayers for the ones who really need them. Just keep your fingers crossed for me. I have faith that everything happens for a reason and will deal with whatever hand I am dealt.

Medical mystery

To say my health has been an enigma for the last 9-10 years is an understatement. At my lowest point, I believe in 2002 or 2003 (the years blend together) I really wondered if I was losing my mind. Now, as I'm facing another MRI for a possible tendon/ligament tear, I'm starting to look for answers. What is the common denominator here and why hasn't anyone figured it out yet?

I keep coming back to my stint on Accutane for 6 months in college, from around September 1998 to May 1999. The drug is super powerful with a million side effects from depression (got that one) to birth defects (each pill packet has deformed fetuses all over the place). Could this drug be what has caused all of my medical issues all along?

Since May, 1999 I have had the following:

In March 1999 I just stopped having periods--this was chalked up to the "wrong" birth control pill but I have never been regular since. While on Accutane women of childbearing age must have preg tests monthly, so I knew that wasn't the problem. But no one could figure out why someone who had been on the same brand of pill for 4-5 years consistently would just stop menstruating.

In August 2000 I had bilateral TMJ surgery, as the discs in my jaw started to calcify and there were times my mouth would get locked open or closed. The discs were removed and replaced with my own fat. Gross, I know. My insurance company would not pay for the surgery so my loving parents shelled out over $10k so I could open my mouth properly. I had the surgery 3 months before my wedding--crazy.

September/October 2000--Left wrist carpal tunnel/ganglion cyst surgery. The cyst was so calcified and wrapped around a tendon that the doctor had to cut the tendon, remove the cyst, and then repair the tendon he cut. It was supposed to be a 15 minute procedure that turned into an hour and a half.

After a bad exposure to mold in 2002, my body went nuts. Every major system went out of control and I was mis-diagnosed with a few terminal diseases until the doctors just gave up and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me--all of my scans and blood work came back normal, but my body was in a state of super inflammatory shock. Eventually, I went all the way out to Johns Hopkins and the docs there diagnosed me with fibromyalgia--probably because they just didn't know what else to do.

In 2003 an MRI discovered 4 slipped discs in my neck--generally attributed to the weight of my enormous boobs, and the degeneration was largely ignored. I had a breast reduction, which was also a raging disaster as my body rejected the internal stitches (I told you I had experience with this) and developed cellulitis.

While I was pregnant I was generally "healthy" except for the preeclampsia--probably a result of my immune system issuess but no one knows for sure.

In 2006 I saw an orthopedist about my chronic shoulder pain--bilateral MRI's show that I only have one intact tendon in my right shoulder and one that is torn in my left. I have never been a pitcher, have never had an accident, and the cause of these tears is an enigma. How can someone just spontaneously tear tendons in the shoulder?

In 2006 the ganglion cyst in my wrist came back. I saw a specialist who took one look at my hand x-rays and told me that he's convinced within 5-10 years I will be diagnosed with some sort of connective tissue disorder because my hands look like those of someone double my age. Swell! I'm like a ticking time bomb.

And now in 2008 I was walking down stairs and tore the peroneus brevis tendon...a tear so bad that my doctor, who is approaching 70, says it was one of the worst tears he has ever seen. On Thursday I go for an MRI of my right ankle, as the pain and swelling suggests I tore something over there also.

Sheesh. I'm probably forgetting something.

I just don't understand why my body does what it does, so I started thinking about all of the medications I took when I was really sick after the mold exposure. Levaquin is notorious for tendon failure, and I did take the drug in 2002 or 2003, so that was my first guess. There are tons of lawsuits for Levaquin and its family of drugs.

BUT, the TMJ and wrist issues started WAY before that...so I have done a little digging...and found that in 2000 and then 2005 there were recommendations made that the labels that come with Accutane warn patients of potential bone, joint, tendon, and connective tissue disorders which have been seen amongst patients.

AHA! Of course I could never PROVE that all of this is caused by the Accutane (or at least I couldn't do it on my own, but an expensive attorney might be able to) but it is kind of refreshing to know that I am not alone and there may be an answer to why my body is a freaking mess. It doesn't change anything for me physically, but psychologically is helps to know that I am probably not crazy and this stuff really isn't in my head. Obviously--you can't have an imagined torn tendon--but sometimes I do feel like people look at me and think I'm a hypochondriac.

There is never a day that goes by that I'm not in some pain--muscle, joint, etc...I have learned to deal with some of it and push through, but it's hard. Something always goes wrong--I take one step forward and then go two in the opposite direction.

I try to remember the good things in life--I am not suffering from a terminal disease (at least that we know of!) I have a loving and supportive family, a great kid and husband, a roof over my head, etc...there is so much to be grateful for and to appreciate. Now if I could just walk around and do it!!!

The good news...

I know it's not the clearest picture, but LOOK--the incisions look really good! The area that was rejecting stitches just looks like the tip of a pen now, so God willing the rejection is over. Even the swelling is better, which is all relative at this point.

So this is the good news of the day. I'm glad that left foot is looking good and that only 6 1/2 weeks after surgery I would have been released today.

I'm still wrestling with the bad news for left foot. I try not to think about it, since I won't get the results until Monday, but it's hard just not knowing. Aaron and I really want to get away somewhere in March or April, just for a long weekend, but at this point I can't make plans to do anything. Will I be able to walk? Will I be in some crazy brace(s)? Will I be in a wheelchair?

So many questions and not enough answers. Bear with me as I try to come to grips with my new reality.

What's wrong with this picture?

Have you guessed yet? There is something really wrong about this photo.

The left foot is "healing nicely" and looks really good. My doctor wanted to compare range of motion and swelling vs. my right foot.

Uh oh...I had to show him.

He took one look at the right one and said "what in the heck happened to your right ankle?" as he peered at the residual bruising and swelling from my fall last Tuesday. It has hurt a lot since the fall, but I was in denial and chalking it up to an overuse injury since the right leg/ankle have been doing all of the work since October.

Well, there is a lot of pain, swelling, popping and clicking right where the ligament meets one of the ankle bones. Doc's theory--partial or complete tear of one of the ligaments. He literally looked at me and said, "this is a big mess." And he didn't say this in a joking/light manner--he was dead serious (unusual for this doc who has a keen sense of humor.)

I have an MRI on Thursday morning to find out and will get results on Monday.

The doc didn't even know what to do. He was going to let me start PT but can't if I can't put full weight on the right leg. He normally would have put me in another CAM walker as a precautionary measure, but because of their size it's impossible to put someone in two walkers. So, he settled for the "una boot" shown above--basically there is a medicated wrap under the ace bandage. The medication helps relieve the swelling and provides some localized pain relief. I had one before and it was OK--gets hot quickly and is kind of messy. I get to take it off myself before my appointment on Thursday for the MRI.

He gave me valium for the MRI because this one is going to take longer. I don't think he gave me enough because might need it to get through this week of not knowing my fate. I thought about saying a lot of prayers but then feel selfish. There are so many people in worse situations throughout the world that this is a piece of cake. It just sucks for me...

And for my poor family. Luckily, Aaron has promised to not change the locks until we get the test results. I'm grateful that he's not kicking me out into the snow....for now.

Tomorrow...tomorrow...

I go back to the doctor tomorrow afternoon for another fun-filled appointment.

Last week, I was delusional. I think in the back of my mind I really thought I would walk into my appointment, the doc would look at my healing ankle and say "OK, you can go back to work, back to walking, have a great life."

Like I said...delusional.

This week I'm hoping that the special brace has come in so I can get out of the moon boot and that the doc thinks the swelling has reduced enough to send me to physical therapy and/or back to work.

I don't think he's going to send me to PT for at least one more week (he said at the earliest week 7) and said he probably wouldn't send me to work until I have been in PT for a week. I have to get used to walking again before he's going to release me into the world.

So in essence I expect more of the same tomorrow and almost feel like the appointment is useless--unless I get the brace and can get rid of the CAM walker. Fingers crossed.