What comes next?

It has been 6 months since my ankle surgery and all is well, for the most part. I can walk and even jog a bit without noticing any pain or stiffness in the ankle. I don't think it will ever be completely normal again, but I am basically pain free. The only thing I still can't do is stand on my tip toes to the same height as my other foot--and that's not exactly a huge concern since I'm not a ballerina!

The scar is fading and is not nearly as tender as it had been. I'm thinking about using Mederma to help fade it even more as I am in a wedding in 6 weeks and will not be wearing hose. So, I'll either have to be photographed from the other sides or the bride might just have to deal with the scar. Luckily. the bride is my sister and I know she doesn't care much :)

The latest medical drama in my life--my shoulder now requires "rotator cuff decompression" surgery. I had another MRI at the beginning of June and found out that I have an impingement in my right shoulder. Basically, there is a piece of bone that rubs and rips my rotator cuff every time I move my arm. Nothing will fix it other than surgery. I had a cortisone shot (helped) and am getting ready to go back to PT to work on strengthening the muscles. My doc wants me in PT 4-5x/wk...this makes me laugh. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

I'm nervous about this surgery because I have heard some horror stories about the recovery. My doc says the whole thing can be done with the scope and that I should be back to work before my disability kicks in (2 weeks) but I know my body and that nothing is ever as simple as it seems. For the first week I will be in a sling and only allowed out when using the machine that will help raise and lower the arm on a schedule. After that week I'll be allowed out of the sling and into PT...from there, who knows? I'm scared that once they get the scope in the joint they will find more damage, just like what happened with my peroneus brevis. But, it has to be fixed so I just have to suck it up and deal. Can't wait to tell my boss that I'll be out AGAIN...she's going to hate me.

No More CAM Walker!

I'm now about 10-11 weeks post-op and finally out of the CAM walker, aka Moon Boot. My physical therapist thought that the CAM was "holding me back" and recommended that my doc put me in a new Donjoy brace to give me more mobility.

There are a few pros and cons.

Pros
--the Donjoy is much smaller and only encompasses my ankle, not half of my leg
--I have more of a real walking motion (heel roll to toe) and not a clomping/clunking anymore

Cons
--Though it's smaller than the CAM, it's extremely difficult to fit into a shoe. I can only get it into my New Balance sneaker right now, and that's w/o lacing the shoe up completely. I might have to go shoe shopping, my least favorite activity.
--It's $120 and my insurance might not cover it. Bummer.
--It rubs right against where I had the bone chip removed and has a tendency to hurt.
--Because it allows more range of motion I will probably have an increase in swelling for a while as my ankle gets used to doing more work.

Overall, the Cons are greater but the fact that it's just NOT THE MOON BOOT trumps everything else. Wearing dress shoes is probably not going to happen for a while, but as long as I make progress I hope that I'll get to a point that I can go brace free soon.

I get to increase my work hours next week. Instead of only working 5 hour days I'll be going to 5 hour days 3x/wk and normal 8 hr shifts the other two days. It's a small increase, but any progress is good at this point.

The first day back...

I survived my first "day" back at work. I'm only working from 9am-2pm this week, simply because I have to keep the swelling down and have two hours of PT to do after work. So, 5 hours has the potential to go by pretty fast and is very manageable.

That said, I'm exhausted already. I had insomnia last night, worrying about going back to work of all things. I don't like being out of the loop and felt so lost when I walked into the office today. The whole office was rearranged while I was out, and even my desk was moved and on the other side. I wandered the cube maze until I found my name plate.

Once I managed to get into my computer, I had over 6000 e-mails to wade through. I spent two hours straight on this task and still have about 1000 left to go through. I had to stop reading them and just start dumping some and keeping the ones to be read at a later time. It was astounding. Then I found out that there were some IT changes and all of the documents/files I had stored on my desktop are now gone...permanently. There is no way to get them back. Lovely. Could they have told me about this BEFORE I left so I could save stuff? HA.

There is a saying that the more things change the more they stay the same...this is how work is for me. Overall, the basic concepts are still there as the federal government still isn't forcing lenders to work with their customers, no matter how much they like to tout how much this stimulus will help homeowners. Hogwash. Things will not change until they are forced to change.

There are just little procedural changes that individually don't amount to much, but when you pile them on it becomes overwhelming. I will muddle through and be up to speed quickly, no doubt, but feel like I have mush for brains and it's only day #1!

Shoes suck

My physical therapist asked me to bring my left shoe with me for sessions, so that I don't walk on the treadmill in bare feet or in socks. I suppose this IS slightly dangerous so I attempted to comply. First I had to FIND the left shoes, because I haven't actually worn them since October. I have a vast collection of right shoes lined up in my foyer. It's quite humorous.

I tried to squeeze into every left shoe that was remotely fit for walking on a treadmill. This was not only very painful, but really didn't work either. I couldn't find ONE PAIR that fit on the left foot! My ankle doesn't look that swollen anymore, but I guess looks are deceiving. So, I trekked out to the shoe outlet and bought a new pair of New Balance tennis shoes in a 9 Wide. They fit, though uncomfortably...

I went to PT on Wednesday and after the whirlpool warm up I put my foot in the shoe for my exercises and 7 minutes on the treadmill. It felt like I was walking on a lump under the side of my left foot. I actually thought there was something in the shoe until I realized that the lump was my own swollen foot!

After PT I came home and attempted to put the shoe on again. It was as if the shoe shrunk two sizes...there was NO WAY I was getting my foot in the damn thing. I managed to get it back on today, after a whole day of rest yesterday, and now the process has started all over again.

I really hope that my shoe collection isn't banished forever. I had to replace every shoe after Ryan was born when I permanently grew a half size. After 3 years of adding to the collection it would suck to have to get rid of everything or have to buy stuff in larger sizes that will be too big in just a few months once the swelling really goes away.

Grrrr...shoe shopping is my least favorite activity to begin with because I have always had weird feet. They're in between a medium and wide width and nothing ever fits right. Most women would LOVE to have an excuse to shoe shop, but not this girl. Just one more side effect of the surgery I suppose.

Last week of freedom

Officially this is my last week at home, as I return to work on Monday. I'll only be working from 9am-2pm to get started, but once I tack on 2 hours of PT (which starts at 2:45pm) it's basically a very full day. Well, only 3 days a week will be like this. I get a reprieve on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but am supposed to do my exercises at home 2x/day. We'll see how that goes.

This week has been very challenging for me. Since I was cleared on Monday by my doctor I have wanted to conquer the world--or at least the clutter in my house. On Tuesday, I started with Ryan's room and cleared out 3 boxes of stuff to take to Once Upon a Child. Problem is, the boxes are ready to go but I keep forgetting to have Aaron put them in my car because I can't carry them down the stairs and out the door. So, this will get done Saturday. Naturally, Ryan's room now looks like a cyclone went through because a 3 year old can total a room in about 3.5 seconds flat. Grrr...

I spent a couple of hours yesterday mucking out my bedroom since this hasn't been done since I was first put in a cast on October 4th. A lot of clutter builds up in 4 months--I was shocked! I took 4 whole bags of clothes to the Salvation Army and it still doesn't look like I have made much progress. OK, so I probably haven't purged in longer than 4 months--most likely during "spring cleaning" last year. Sheesh.

The good news--I put on and zipped up pants that I could not wear at the end of last summer. I was shocked! I haven't weighed myself yet, because I hate seeing the # and prefer to go on how things fit. But, it appears that I've lost one whole pant size and that's pretty crazy considering how sedentary I have been since October.

The bad news--all of this activity has really made my foot hurt and swell up like mad. I did so much yesterday before PT that it hurt before PT even started. Last night it ached almost as bad as a week or two post-op, so that really clued me into the fact that I have to slow down and take (excuse the pun) baby steps to get things done.

So today I'm resting and taking it easy. I feel guilty, like I should be doing something, but my body says NO! I have a horrible time just sitting around when I could be doing something productive. This surgery didn't fix that problem. I think only psychotherapy will.

Cleared!

Woo hoo! I have officially been cleared to return to work on Monday, Feburary 23rd! I can only go back for 5 hour shifts at first, because I sit all day at my job and this will cause swelling and I still have to go to PT for 1.5 hrs three times per week. My doc doesn't want me to overdo it at first, so he will gradually increase my hours depending on how my body handles this load. As of today I still can't fit my foot in a regular shoe--so I have to get this swelling down because the doctor doesn't want it to get any worse.

More good news--the 2nd read of the MRI didn't show any tears of the tendons! However, there is still a lot of inflammation that could be making visualizing a tear difficult. So, doc is keeping me in the lace up brace and gave me a prescription for topical anti-inflammatory gel to use on both ankles to reduce the swelling. If in 6-8 weeks I still have a lot of pain he may send me for a repeat MRI. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully it's just a ticked off tendon.

Physical therapy today was good too--I managed 5 minutes on the treadmill today and added quite a few more exercises to my repertoire. It's pretty tender today, so I'll be icing and elevating tonight. Where, I'm not sure. We are getting new couches tomorrow and had to take my trusty couch out today to make room. So, basically there is the floor and one recliner available. I have a feeling Aaron and I will be arguing over the chair. Of course we get new comfy couches once my time relegated to the couch is up...figures!

I'm looking forward to getting back to a normal life soon. Might not be so excited to be back at work once I get there, but I miss my friends and miss being challenged everyday. Just knowing that I can go back is a big mood lifter!

I walked!

PT today made me feel like a champion!

First the super relaxing whirlpool--need one of those at home, badly, but think they cost a lot of dough. Will have to resort to heating pad and regular bathtub.

Then, a nice foot and ankle massage to loosen up the ankle. This hurts a lot where the doc removed that piece of bone, but feels great everywhere else. I could get used to this part of PT.

Some stretching...and then...

3 minutes on the treadmill!!!!!

...at 0.5 miles per hour. Yes, you read that right--half a mile per hour! Holy hell was that slow, but still really difficult. Since October I have been walking like a pirate, all peg-legged, and I have to re-train my foot to walk normally and roll. Those muscles are so atrophied that this is going to take a LONG time, but that's just life.

After the treadmill calf raises (ouch) and balancing on the injured foot (double ouch.) Then ice and I was outta there feeling good--like I have finally accomplished something again!

Yea for me!

All alone...

The house is eerily quiet tonight because Aaron and Ryan left this morning for a road trip. Their big adventure--going to Louisville, KY for some Farm Equipment expo. Why? Because our 3 year old is in love/obsessed with tractors, so my guys and Aaron's parents drove 6 hours to take Ryan to the Mecca of farm equipment. Over one million square feet of everything farming.

I, of course, cannot handle mobility through one million square feet so I stayed home. Well, that's not the only reason. I could have gone on the trip and just stayed in the hotel, gone to the indoor pool, etc...but I still would have felt cooped up and I'd rather be cooped up in my own house, with my own bed, etc...

And a little bit of personal freedom too :) Since surgery the number of times Aaron has gone to the office I can count on one hand. If he wasn't home then Ryan was. I have rarely been alone this whole recovery period and to tell you the truth it isn't so bad. Today I turned the iPod up and listened to some tunes while (carefully) doing a few household chores. I took the dog for a very brief walk, twice, which I haven't done since mid-December. This chore still sucks in the dead of winter by the way. I also changed the cat's litter (didn't miss that one either) and did laundry. Then I had to stop and remind myself that just because I have the opportunity to get a ton of stuff done doesn't mean I am actually able to do so. That's a bummer because my closet REALLY needs to be mucked out.

But, now that everything is done and I'm sitting in bed alone...I miss my guys. I know they're going to have a great weekend. I just can't wait until I'm recuperated fully and can participate in more family activities again.

Let's get physical!

I started physical therapy (henceforth referred to as PT) yesterday! Well, I really started PT back in November to strengthen my leg up for surgery, but just went back yesterday for the first time since surgery. My therapists are Mike and Gabe, and they're really cool guys.

I started out in the (foot) whirlpool and that felt Sooooo good. The heat really loosened up my ankle and in the pool I did my "alphabet exercises." This basically means that I have to make each letter of the alphabet with my foot to loosen it up.

From there I got a brief scar massage and Mike felt around for any adhesions/tightness. This felt good and hurt like hell all at the same time. My range of motion is good up and down, but it's REALLY hard for me to go side-to-side.

Next I did some light calf/hamstring stretching...then we got serious with the resistance band. I had to use this to really stretch side to side. My foot did not like this idea at all and the muscles twitched like crazy.

The hardest exercises are the calf raises (using only 25% of my body weight on the left ankle) and balancing about 25% of my weight on my left leg. This hurt and wore me out. I have to back off a little bit because pain is not good and is my body's way of telling me STOP. I have to listen.

So, this was followed up w/ 15 min of ice...and the whole process took 1.5 hours! I'm supposed to do this 2x/day, everyday, as long as it's not too painful or inflamed. 3 hours a day of PT! I have this much time NOW but have no idea how I'm going to manage when I go back to work. Maybe this is why my doctor said I won't be going back FT at first...now I'm starting to think he's not so crazy after all!

Tenosyno-what?

I got the MRI results today, which did not show any tears of ligaments or tendons upon the first reading. However, it did show tendonitis and tenosynovitis in the peroneus longus tendon. (Left ankle surgery was on the peroneus brevis) The doctor is having a 2nd radiologist read the MRI because he's not completely convinced that the tendon is not torn, because of the damage that was done to the left ankle and only a very small tear showed up on that MRI. I should know more next Monday.

So, if it is just tendosynovitis then I basically have to immobilize the ankle as much as possible to see if it will heal itself. I didn't really know what tendosynovitis was until I got home and did some research. It's kind of an inflammation of the sheath that helps the tendon move and when it gets damaged it swells up and causes pain and difficult mobility. Kinda like carpal tunnel syndrome in the ankle.

Sometimes it can be "cured" with immobilization and extra support--hence my new sexy brace! We can also try cortisone shots and other conservative therapies, but sometimes surgical intervention is required just like with carpal tunnel syndrome.

I had carpal tunnel surgery a few years ago--no huge deal and it was really successful. I'm just hopeful that this time the conservative treatment actually works because another surgery on my ankle just is not at the top of my to-do list anytime soon.

Good news--I was cleared for physical therapy for my left ankle and get to start on Wednesday! If that goes well I might be cleared to go back to work next week! So, there is a lot of positive news today--no visible tears, (so far) manageable treatment of the right ankle, I can start walking again, and physical therapy. Overall, a better day than I expected and I'm pleased!

Found my marbles...

I am bound and determined to get this left foot moving again soon, so I'm doing my own PT until the doc releases me to the drill sargeant. Nothing too strenuous--just some light stretching and toe movement exercises.

Today's trick--for your viewing pleasure by video today--picking up marbles with my toes and putting them into a cup. I thought this would be fairly easy, and it's really not too horrible. I have good motion with my big toe, but my little toes are fairly weak. So, they need a workout. My pinky toe is almost completely numb, so he needs a wake up call.

It amazes me that just picking up marbles with my toes can work the other muscles in my leg as well--it just shows me how out of shape I really am right now. I feel like a blob, but maybe my new gym in a bag will help with that problem. I just gotta get it out of the bag...

MRI is done

I suffered through the MRI this morning, slightly stoned from the valium. I just stared blankly at the ceiling, wondering if anyone has really ever counted all of those little holes before. It was a very small dose of valium--I can only imagine how crazy my thoughts would have been if he had given me a bigger dose!


My right ankle really hurts today--I don't know if this is from being pinned in the thing for the MRI or just because there is something wrong with it. I guess I'll find out on Monday. I'm going to have to find something to take my mind off of the waiting.


My left ankle actually hurts less than the right one today...weird. It's almost always the other way around, but I guess this means I'm making progress.

My "gym in a bag" was delivered the other day. Amazon has become my best friend since surgery! The "gym" is basically a bunch of resistance bands, weights, and a DVD. I think I might try to start doing some upper body work soon and perhaps some light stretching with my left leg. I feel like a total blob and have zero stamina anymore.


I still haven't gone out yet to buy the marbles. Why marbles, you say? Have I finally lost all of mine? Very funny. They're actually for PT. I'm supposed to throw a bunch of them on the floor and try to pick them up with my toes and put them into a jar or a bowl. This is supposed to get the muscles of the foot moving again. I haven't technically been cleared to start this yet, but I'm not sure it can really hurt to pick up marbles. I just have to go get them first!

That's it for now. Keep thinking "just a sprain" for me and keep those fingers tightly crossed!

Tomorrow...

I have my right ankle MRI tomorrow morning and am seriously dreading it. I don't know if that's because I just hate MRI's (claustrophobic, hence the valium prescription) or I'm more afraid of the results. At this point, nothing the report can tell me would be a shocker. I fully expect the worst but really hope for the best.

At one point I started to pray that the doctor is wrong and nothing is seriously wrong with the ankle. But then I started to feel very selfish...there are so many more people in this world who need their prayers answered more than me.

On Monday a friend's son will go in for open heart surgery. He is only a few months old and needs the prayers way more than me. I would definitely suffer through another surgery so that he can have a happy and healthy life.

Another friend has a mother suffering from breast cancer. I would gladly suffer another surgery and recovery so that she has more time for treatment and maybe one day a cure.

Two friends are pregnant with their first babies--I would gladly suffer more in order for them to have happy and healthy babies.

And one more friend has a baby who needs surgery in April. I would have my foot amputated to ensure nothing bad happens to him or anyone else I know and love. I can live w/o a foot, but I have no idea how someone could live without their child.

So, don't say prayers for me. Say prayers for the ones who really need them. Just keep your fingers crossed for me. I have faith that everything happens for a reason and will deal with whatever hand I am dealt.

Medical mystery

To say my health has been an enigma for the last 9-10 years is an understatement. At my lowest point, I believe in 2002 or 2003 (the years blend together) I really wondered if I was losing my mind. Now, as I'm facing another MRI for a possible tendon/ligament tear, I'm starting to look for answers. What is the common denominator here and why hasn't anyone figured it out yet?

I keep coming back to my stint on Accutane for 6 months in college, from around September 1998 to May 1999. The drug is super powerful with a million side effects from depression (got that one) to birth defects (each pill packet has deformed fetuses all over the place). Could this drug be what has caused all of my medical issues all along?

Since May, 1999 I have had the following:

In March 1999 I just stopped having periods--this was chalked up to the "wrong" birth control pill but I have never been regular since. While on Accutane women of childbearing age must have preg tests monthly, so I knew that wasn't the problem. But no one could figure out why someone who had been on the same brand of pill for 4-5 years consistently would just stop menstruating.

In August 2000 I had bilateral TMJ surgery, as the discs in my jaw started to calcify and there were times my mouth would get locked open or closed. The discs were removed and replaced with my own fat. Gross, I know. My insurance company would not pay for the surgery so my loving parents shelled out over $10k so I could open my mouth properly. I had the surgery 3 months before my wedding--crazy.

September/October 2000--Left wrist carpal tunnel/ganglion cyst surgery. The cyst was so calcified and wrapped around a tendon that the doctor had to cut the tendon, remove the cyst, and then repair the tendon he cut. It was supposed to be a 15 minute procedure that turned into an hour and a half.

After a bad exposure to mold in 2002, my body went nuts. Every major system went out of control and I was mis-diagnosed with a few terminal diseases until the doctors just gave up and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me--all of my scans and blood work came back normal, but my body was in a state of super inflammatory shock. Eventually, I went all the way out to Johns Hopkins and the docs there diagnosed me with fibromyalgia--probably because they just didn't know what else to do.

In 2003 an MRI discovered 4 slipped discs in my neck--generally attributed to the weight of my enormous boobs, and the degeneration was largely ignored. I had a breast reduction, which was also a raging disaster as my body rejected the internal stitches (I told you I had experience with this) and developed cellulitis.

While I was pregnant I was generally "healthy" except for the preeclampsia--probably a result of my immune system issuess but no one knows for sure.

In 2006 I saw an orthopedist about my chronic shoulder pain--bilateral MRI's show that I only have one intact tendon in my right shoulder and one that is torn in my left. I have never been a pitcher, have never had an accident, and the cause of these tears is an enigma. How can someone just spontaneously tear tendons in the shoulder?

In 2006 the ganglion cyst in my wrist came back. I saw a specialist who took one look at my hand x-rays and told me that he's convinced within 5-10 years I will be diagnosed with some sort of connective tissue disorder because my hands look like those of someone double my age. Swell! I'm like a ticking time bomb.

And now in 2008 I was walking down stairs and tore the peroneus brevis tendon...a tear so bad that my doctor, who is approaching 70, says it was one of the worst tears he has ever seen. On Thursday I go for an MRI of my right ankle, as the pain and swelling suggests I tore something over there also.

Sheesh. I'm probably forgetting something.

I just don't understand why my body does what it does, so I started thinking about all of the medications I took when I was really sick after the mold exposure. Levaquin is notorious for tendon failure, and I did take the drug in 2002 or 2003, so that was my first guess. There are tons of lawsuits for Levaquin and its family of drugs.

BUT, the TMJ and wrist issues started WAY before that...so I have done a little digging...and found that in 2000 and then 2005 there were recommendations made that the labels that come with Accutane warn patients of potential bone, joint, tendon, and connective tissue disorders which have been seen amongst patients.

AHA! Of course I could never PROVE that all of this is caused by the Accutane (or at least I couldn't do it on my own, but an expensive attorney might be able to) but it is kind of refreshing to know that I am not alone and there may be an answer to why my body is a freaking mess. It doesn't change anything for me physically, but psychologically is helps to know that I am probably not crazy and this stuff really isn't in my head. Obviously--you can't have an imagined torn tendon--but sometimes I do feel like people look at me and think I'm a hypochondriac.

There is never a day that goes by that I'm not in some pain--muscle, joint, etc...I have learned to deal with some of it and push through, but it's hard. Something always goes wrong--I take one step forward and then go two in the opposite direction.

I try to remember the good things in life--I am not suffering from a terminal disease (at least that we know of!) I have a loving and supportive family, a great kid and husband, a roof over my head, etc...there is so much to be grateful for and to appreciate. Now if I could just walk around and do it!!!

The good news...

I know it's not the clearest picture, but LOOK--the incisions look really good! The area that was rejecting stitches just looks like the tip of a pen now, so God willing the rejection is over. Even the swelling is better, which is all relative at this point.

So this is the good news of the day. I'm glad that left foot is looking good and that only 6 1/2 weeks after surgery I would have been released today.

I'm still wrestling with the bad news for left foot. I try not to think about it, since I won't get the results until Monday, but it's hard just not knowing. Aaron and I really want to get away somewhere in March or April, just for a long weekend, but at this point I can't make plans to do anything. Will I be able to walk? Will I be in some crazy brace(s)? Will I be in a wheelchair?

So many questions and not enough answers. Bear with me as I try to come to grips with my new reality.

What's wrong with this picture?

Have you guessed yet? There is something really wrong about this photo.

The left foot is "healing nicely" and looks really good. My doctor wanted to compare range of motion and swelling vs. my right foot.

Uh oh...I had to show him.

He took one look at the right one and said "what in the heck happened to your right ankle?" as he peered at the residual bruising and swelling from my fall last Tuesday. It has hurt a lot since the fall, but I was in denial and chalking it up to an overuse injury since the right leg/ankle have been doing all of the work since October.

Well, there is a lot of pain, swelling, popping and clicking right where the ligament meets one of the ankle bones. Doc's theory--partial or complete tear of one of the ligaments. He literally looked at me and said, "this is a big mess." And he didn't say this in a joking/light manner--he was dead serious (unusual for this doc who has a keen sense of humor.)

I have an MRI on Thursday morning to find out and will get results on Monday.

The doc didn't even know what to do. He was going to let me start PT but can't if I can't put full weight on the right leg. He normally would have put me in another CAM walker as a precautionary measure, but because of their size it's impossible to put someone in two walkers. So, he settled for the "una boot" shown above--basically there is a medicated wrap under the ace bandage. The medication helps relieve the swelling and provides some localized pain relief. I had one before and it was OK--gets hot quickly and is kind of messy. I get to take it off myself before my appointment on Thursday for the MRI.

He gave me valium for the MRI because this one is going to take longer. I don't think he gave me enough because might need it to get through this week of not knowing my fate. I thought about saying a lot of prayers but then feel selfish. There are so many people in worse situations throughout the world that this is a piece of cake. It just sucks for me...

And for my poor family. Luckily, Aaron has promised to not change the locks until we get the test results. I'm grateful that he's not kicking me out into the snow....for now.

Tomorrow...tomorrow...

I go back to the doctor tomorrow afternoon for another fun-filled appointment.

Last week, I was delusional. I think in the back of my mind I really thought I would walk into my appointment, the doc would look at my healing ankle and say "OK, you can go back to work, back to walking, have a great life."

Like I said...delusional.

This week I'm hoping that the special brace has come in so I can get out of the moon boot and that the doc thinks the swelling has reduced enough to send me to physical therapy and/or back to work.

I don't think he's going to send me to PT for at least one more week (he said at the earliest week 7) and said he probably wouldn't send me to work until I have been in PT for a week. I have to get used to walking again before he's going to release me into the world.

So in essence I expect more of the same tomorrow and almost feel like the appointment is useless--unless I get the brace and can get rid of the CAM walker. Fingers crossed.

Same surgery, different issues

I have a pen-pal named Suzi from Austin, Texas (a place I plan on visiting someday as I hear it's awesome!) Suzi had the same surgery as me, just two days beforehand. We have been virtual friends every since. I'm really glad I "met" her as it has been very nice to have someone to struggle with and commiserate.

What is weird is that though the surgery was basically the same, our treatment and outcomes (so far) have been different. Suzi was released for physical therapy and walking after being in the cast for a full 6 weeks. I was in the cast for only 3 or 4 weeks, but am still not allowed to attempt walking or physical therapy for at least another week. I can point my foot, spread my toes (mostly), flex the foot, and rotate--my range of motion is really good. Poor Suzi tried in PT today but just couldn't get her foot to cooperate. Only the side of my foot is numb where hers is numb on the bottom, which has to feel really weird when trying to walk.

It's amazing to me the different ways that individual bodies heal after virtually the same experience. I guess that's why my doctor says that I can't base my recovery time on anyone else--because I am me, not Suzi or Joe Shmo down the street suffering from his PB tendon repair.

I'm trying to be patient. I really am. It's just hard--6 weeks later and I'm still stuck on the couch. I just keep saying...it could be worse....it could be worse.

Being productive...

I have been extremely productive today!

I have to admit that since surgery I have not been into paying the bills or dealing with any paperwork. I had a mounting pile of papers, bills, tax forms, etc...that threatened to take over the entire kitchen counter if I didn't do something soon.

I conquered the mountain!

All bills are paid. All paperwork is properly filed in a brand new file box with labels. All tax forms are saved for easy access and entry into Turbotax.

I even listed some books on Amazon auctions to try to make a few extra bucks. If I had real motivation I would list some of Ryan's old clothes/toys on eBay, but I'm not feeling it right now.

It feels good to be productive again. Now if only I could actually clean my house...but based upon yesterday's acrobatic fall I think it's best if I leave the house a disaster a little longer.

Klutz

I fell...again. I was on the walker with my hands full, not steering, and caught one of the wheels on my right pant hem. I went down hard on my left knee and jammed my foot into the carpet. I also landed on my right wrist. This was the hardest fall I have taken and boy does it hurt. My pride hurts too, as Aaron asked "can't you be more careful?" Like I want to fall???

So, as you can see I'm back to icing and elevating. No wonder my doctor doesn't want me to leave the house--I'm a spaz. Seriously though, I have ONLY fallen IN my house, so maybe I should just leave to avoid the tendency to spill.

The incisions are intact and will probably stay that way now. I say probably because with my body absolutely anything is possible. The worst damage I can do is tearing the graft jacket or the tendon again. I don't think that happened today, but the swelling is there. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

No negotiating!

My doctor does not negotiate with terrorists and would not give in to my list of demands. I thought I was being completely reasonable by asking to walk a little bit and go back to work. Here is what he said...

"Kate, I told you that you would probably be out 6-8 weeks when I thought the tear was SMALL. Yours was huge and the tendon was completely flat. So, logic would say double the time off and we're only at 5.5 weeks now."

Double? Really? Well, no...when I pressed him he said that he would give into my demands soon as long as I continue to be compliant and not cheat. This basically means that I go back in one week to get the "special brace" which is better than the CAM walker and will give me more support when I put weight on the ankle.

He will not release me for PT until weeks 7 or 8. No negotiation there. I can, however, do my stretches at home. Yippee.

He will consider letting me go back to work in the next 2 weeks, but on a limited schedule because of the swelling. I'll either go for 4-5 hour shifts or every other day. That's still to be negotiated.

I am beyond frustrated and starting to get a little depressed. I really really thought he would tell me to get back to PT and work this week...and that I could start walking a bit. No dice.

Basically, when I am able to put weight on the foot I'll start out doing so 10% of the day...moving up to 20% then 30%...you get the picture.

Aaron was astounded by this news, as he HATES getting the walker in and out of the car. His question to me, "so when do you think you will be walking normally again?"

According to my doctor--probably in June. God help me.

Later today...

In about 2.5 hours I will return to the doctor for another check-up. Here is my list of demands (in no particular order):

1) To be allowed some form of walking, even if for only 5-10 minutes per day in the boot. I'm getting sick of the walker and want to kick it to the curb.
2) To be released for physical therapy to help this walking process along
3) To be allowed to return to work soon--preferably on Monday, and part time at first so I can minimize swelling.
4) To be fitted for the "special" brace to get me out of the moon boot ASAP.

I think these are perfectly reasonable demands. I'd like to just demand full mobility and zero pain, but I know that these would not only NOT be reasonable but impossible. Unfortunately. It would be really cool though.

Reject Stitches

If you look closely at the incision you will see a "spot" toward the bottom edge with a "thingy" coming out. That "thingy" is yet one more stitch that my body is rejecting and attempting to spit back out at me. I wish it were simple--a hole opens up, the stitch comes out, and the hole closes up. Not so simple. This latest development will mean on Monday the doc will have to dig in there, snip the stitch at the knot, and then hope it closes back up w/o infection. Did I mention that this hurts like no other?

I love my life.

Swelling

It's amazing how just a little bit of activity can cause so much swelling. Aaron, Ryan, and I went out tonight to get some dinner in celebration of the 10th anniversary of our first date. We had a lovely dinner at Joe's Crab Shack (where I did not have any crab, but really enjoyed some shrimp) then a trip to Toys R Us (Ryan is obsessed with Thomas these days), the grocery store, then home. Literally, I was out of the house for 4 hours and came home to an ankle the size of a baked potato.

I have no idea how I'm going to handle going back to work, where I can't elevate at all during the day with a standard cube set up. Hopefully management will be willing to let me take the time necessary to keep it elevated and iced, but it's going to majorly impact my ability to be productive.

I may discuss/ask for a modified schedule to start out--half days or every other day for a couple of weeks, especially because the swelling will get worse once I start physical therapy. AARGH. I really thought I was rounding a corner because when I'm here, on the couch, things are better and my foot feels pretty good. The activity turns it all to hell.

Side note--I have LOST 5 lbs since surgery. I can't understand how this has happened, since my activity is so limited. Not going out to lunch everyday helps and I suppose the lack of mobility and having to fix things I can carry with one hand, like yogurt, have also helped. And I was afraid I'd gain weight! Who would have guessed?

I've fallen...and I can't get up!

I tried to help unload groceries tonight. The refrigerated goods went well, without incident.

The canned goods were another story. I tried to go from the walker to the floor...tumbled down and landed on my left foot. I had the moon boot on, but it did not protect me.

The incisions burn and the foot throbs.

I have it on ice, but I'm fearful I did some damage.

Fingers crossed...say some prayers...

This sucks.

Not supposed to bleed...

Last night, my foot started bleeding from one of the incisions. Not a lot of blood, just a little bit where the digging occurred to get out the rogue, rejected internal stitches. I think another one is coming out and it hurts pretty badly. Not like surgery pain--more like just having any other cut/puncture wound on the foot. Downside is my doc is out of town this week on a cruise. He has partners available, but they are not podiatric surgeons and I just don't know if I want to go see them or wait it out. I'm keeping the area clean and using the ointment prescribed by my doc, but it still throbs. Keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't get worse and hinder my ability to walk and get back to normal life soon.

The plus side of being confined to the couch today is getting to watch the inauguration. I can't remember the last time I watched one live, primarily because I haven't enjoyed the president elect enough over the last 8 years to bother. I am always impressed by Obama's speeches and hope that the world gives him the time it is going to take to turn this country around. We cannot expect miracles or instant change. Americans are not used to delayed gratification, but we must make baby steps toward the changes needed to get us headed in the right direction again. I have hope that we are on our way. Whatever your political beliefs, it is important to stand behind and support our new leader for progress to be made.

Bummed

Today was supposed to be my first day of freedom. I was supposed to go to a baby shower for my friend Christine, who is expecting her son in March. However, Ryan continued to puke last night and I was up every 2-3 hours, so I'm exhausted. More importantly and the biggest reason for me staying--the weather here is horrible and is not appropriate for someone with limited mobility to travel. We are supposed to get about 4-6" of snow during the day, at exactly the time I was supposed to be out and about. My doctor has warned me constantly about the danger of slipping, falling, and screwing up the surgery. Since I don't want to have to go through any of this again, I'm staying put...but I am really pissed off about it. (Christine, if you're reading this, I promise to make it up to you ASAP. I miss you tons!)

I haven't driven my car, or any car for that matter, since 12/16/08.

I haven't really been completely alone, totally w/o supervision, since the same date.

I couldn't get into my car if I tried--it's completely buried and needs to be dug out. Poor Aaron will get that joy sometime next week.

I am really over this whole experience and totally hoping that I will get released to go back to work sometime the week of 1/26. Even if I can only go back a couple of days a week--it's better than being stuck here every single day.

Not much to report...

Nothing too new here...same old, same old.

The weather here in Michigan still sucks. I have major icesicles hanging from my roof. They would probably knock someone out if in the wrong place at the wrong time. This morning it was -9 and the windchill -27. I hate living here during the winter and am almost grateful that I don't have to go anywhere if I don't want to.

Yesterday, I had visitors! Stephanie and Baby Corinne (aka the most beautiful baby girl in the world) came over to keep me company. It was wonderful to have girl talk again and just hang out with new people. Bailey just LOVES Stephanie so much, can't you tell?

This was Ryan two nights ago when we went to Buffalo Wild Wings. I was just craving wings and just had to get out of the house. Ryan could care less about the chicken but LOVED the super duper fudge cake. I'm glad this was a few days ago because at 4am this morning he started puking. Chocolate cake would have been a disaster. I guess I'm not bored today, but even more boredom is preferable to puke. Two kids in day care have the bug. I'm hopeful that I don't get it and that Ryan's goes away very quickly. The positive side is that he isn't acting sick and seems to be his normal self...when he's not puking, of course.

Two more weeks...

I went back to the doc today for another follow up visit. I knew that my body was rejecting one internal stitch, but didn't know that the doc would have to go in and dig out about 5 of them! Normally, stitch removal doesn't hurt much, but digging out these stitches was incredibly painful. No pictures today because it was just too gross to show.

I tried to negotiate more mobility today, but because of the stitches the doctor thinks the graft might be unstable and doesn't want me to put weight on it for two more weeks. I am allowed to start some small stretching exercises to get back some of my range of motion, but still confined to the house and the use of the knee walker.

Good news is that I am allowed to drive, but it's not advised that I'm outside alone in the ice and snow as a fall could be very bad. Getting in and out of the car on one foot is dangerous enough on dry pavement. Ice is a disaster. I think my doctor would like to just keep me inside and on the couch until spring, but of course in Michigan that would be months from now. I'm hopeful that at my next visit he will release me to at least go back to work part time (if not full time) and to physical therapy so I can start moving again!

Road Trip

Today we packed up the family truckster and headed to IKEA. Reason for said trip: since I have been permanently attached to my sofa I realized that my place needs a pick-me-up. So, the first place to start was getting a new area rug, getting more storage for Ryan's toys, and a coat rack. I want a new sofa to relieve my aching butt, but because I'm on short term disability at only half my salary, it will have to wait.

While in search of these items I was confined to a wheelchair. Not a motorized scooter, mind you. OH NO...a regular old-fashioned, use your own upper body strength wheelchair. Talk about a workout. Again, it was another study in social etiquette and people still failed. I had one lady run in front of me with her shopping cart to get into the elevator before me. Why? No idea...we were going to the same exact place. People bumped their carts into me, swung items into my head, etc...I could go on, but I'll spare you. I have so much more empathy toward people with disablities and what they struggle with just to live a normal life.

So today's trip was fun. Ryan had a blast playing on the furniture and in the play area in the cafeteria, and I just enjoyed a few hours of freedom. The snow continues to be a huge challenge for mobility, but with Aaron's help I make it work. I really don't think I could manage getting in and out of the car myself until I'm allowed to actually use my foot for pushing off. So, the poor hubby continues to be my slave, at least until Tuesday when I go back to the doc for another visit. After 3 hours out and about the foot swelled up and started to throb, so we packed up and headed home. Back to the couch, back to elevating...back to boredom.

Life as a Dog

I have often wondered why dogs get so excited to go for a ride in the car. It amazes me that we can ask our dog, Bailey, "Do you want to go for a ride?" and she launches herself down the stairs and flies out the door. When the weather is decent, she relishes in sticking her head out the window, letting her ears and tongue (and drool) fly in the wind. She doesn't even get out of the car, but just loves the ride.

I now know exactly how she feels.

I got so excited to leave the house today and go nowhere that I put makeup on and everything. We went to the post office, picked Bailey up from doggie day care, picked Ryan up from kid day care, and to Walgreens. I didn't get out of the car on any of these stops, but was just so excited to be out of the house. Aaron asked me if I wanted to put the window down and stick my head out. I declined as it is 27 degrees here and snowing, but if it had been warmer I might have taken him up on it.

Picture Time

It has been a couple of weeks since I have posted incision pictures. This one is not nearly as gross as the previous ones. You can see the following:

1) No matter how much exfoliation or Foot Miracle lotion is applied my foot and ankle are beyond dry. A cast does horrible things to skin!

2) The ankle incision (PB tendon) looks great--it's not puffy or oozy at all.

3) The bone spur incision is a little bothersome--oozy and itchy. I think there is another internal stitch on its way out. Might have to call the doc about that one.

4) I still have a cankle, but the bruising and swelling are really reduced.

5) It is NOT easy to put myself into unnatural positions to take ankle photos, so my photography is lacking in composition and design elements. My new PB tendon friend, Suzi, will appreciate the difficulty of this situation, though she's probably willing to contort to get the shot. That's why she's the pro :)

3 weeks later

I can't believe it has been 3 weeks since my surgery.  Sometimes it feels like it was just the other day and then other times I feel like it was months ago.  My scope of time has been skewed as I am not on a schedule anymore, which is a really strange feeling for someone so used to having to manage her time very efficiently.

Most of the time my foot feels pretty decent.   I mostly struggle with the nerve pain that shoots to my pinky toe, which is very painful but comes and goes.   If I do not elevate properly the foot starts to really swell and throb, which basically is just a reminder to get back to elevating.  Taking a shower is still difficult as keeping my foot in a downward position for even just 10-15 minutes is enough to cause some major swelling and pain.   Elevating and ice are the main methods to healing--there's just no way around it.  Elevating isn't as easy as it sounds as I have to keep the foot above heart level, which requires about 4 pillows to do.   Then my butt starts to go numb.  It's kind of hilarious and super frustrating all at the same time.

I'm still not allowed to leave the house by myself, mostly because of the ice/snow and risk of falling and screwing up the whole surgery.   I really wish I could work from home, in order to ease my boredom and get back to feeling like a productive member of society.   Technically, I probably could do my job in the office if I could bring in a recliner and mountain of pillows to keep the foot elevated.   There is just no way to do this in a 4' x 4' cube.   I would also need to hire a chauffeur, as Aaron cannot drive me back and forth everyday.  I'm kind of jealous of people who have the ability, as Aaron does, to work anywhere they want.   Plenty of people say they would love to sit/lie on the couch for weeks on end--and to that I say it sounds like fun until you actually are forced to do it.   Bed rest during pregnancy was worse though because physically I could do things, just wasn't allowed to move.  That REALLY felt like house arrest.

3 weeks down, hopefully only 2-3 more until I get back to the real world.   Let the countdown begin!

Insomnia

Sometimes I think because I haven't been challenged during the day intellectually, my brain refuses to turn off at night and let me sleep!   I laid in bed for about 30 minutes, trying to find a comfy position with the moon boot on, and just couldn't drift off.  I don't want to take anything to induce artificial sleep and it's not like I have to go anywhere tomorrow to be rested for either, so I'm just trying to find quiet things to do with my guys sleep.

My house is an absolute wreck.  The Christmas decorations are still up, Ryan's loot from Santa and the grandparents is strewn everywhere, and the clutter is mounting.  Usually a little bit of a mess doesn't bother me one bit, but I'm starting to really get disgruntled.  I want to be able to clean some of it up and get some form of organization going, but there is just no way to do it with only one good leg and one available hand (the other on the walker at all times so I don't fall again.)   I guess I have to just suck it up.  I can't ask Aaron to do much more than he's doing right now, which is basically everything.  So, a disaster it will be for now.

Aaron's company announced today that because of the economy there will be no merit raises or bonuses this year, or basically until they can turn it around enough to put them back into the compensation equation.  Ordinarily, this would really piss me off because he works so damn hard every single day and really deserves that raise and bonus.   However, at this point living in Michigan and doing the work that I do everyday, I'm just grateful that he still has a job and one that pays pretty well in the process.  Sure, a raise would be nice, but for now I'll settle for status quo knowing how much worse it could really be.  During this recovery period I have had time to dwell on how bad this surgery sucked and had a little pity party, but have also really focused on all of the great things in my life--my family, friends, roof over my head, etc...I'm trying to stay positive for 2009.  Even if I am stuck on this couch, at least I have a couch to rest my butt on and elevate my wounded leg with!

The moon boot

Picture of the CAM Walker, for those who haven't seen it before.  It's definitely not as pretty as the pink cast, but way more comfortable and removable which makes showering so much better.   Downside--it's huge compared to the cast.  Sleeping should be interesting.

The cast is GONE

I went back to the doctor today because the pretty pink cast was WAY too loose.  So loose in fact that the gauze wrap underneath the cast started coming unraveled and balled up under my foot.  I stuck my whole hand in and pulled the gauze out, and realized if I can stick the entire hand into the cast something must be wrong.   The doc agreed and took the cast off and it's not going back on, which is the good news...

The not so good news is that my body is rejecting the internal stitches.   There were at least 4-6 of them poking out of the incision, which he had to then remove and those deep ones hurt!  The rejection is not a huge shocker on my end--the same exact thing happened when I had my breast reduction, and that turned into a cluster#*ck of epic proportions.  I wound up with a terrible infection and horrible scars so bad that my husband now calls my right breast "shark bait."  Luckily the scars are on the underside, so only he gets to see them--lucky Aaron, right?

So far, my ankle looks good and is healing nicely so I have to now be REALLY careful so that when the internal stitches keep coming out I don't pop the whole wound open.  It's not likely to happen, but could and that's scary.   For now I'm back in the CAM Walker, which I affectionately call my "moon boot."   It's a little lighter than the cast, but way more cumbersome.  I'm not allowed to walk at all in the boot, but can gently rest it on the floor for balance.  I go back next week for a normal follow up and then in 2 weeks I'll probably be released for physical therapy!   Woo hoo!   This means hopefully I'll be back to work in 3-4 weeks--a little longer than I'd hoped, but less than the 8 week worst case scenario.   

The pain is tolerable--just have to keep the leg elevated as much as possible and take the ibuprofen to reduce inflammation.  I'm feeling pretty good! 

Slowly losing my mind...

I think I have figured out why people get hooked on narcotics after surgery.   The obvious answer is that they are in pain.  The less obvious is that they are BORED OUT OF THEIR FREAKING MINDS and looking for relief.  If the drugs didn't make me so sick I would probably love the stoned feeling as days would not seem to drag endlessly.   Alas, I cannot enjoy oxycontin or vicodin, so I have to try to entertain myself.   Today I was so bored that I managed to clean all of my makeup brushes with actual shampoo, clean up dog puke (no idea what's up with Bailey but if God loves me he will make it stop)  and load the dishwasher (still can't unload as that requires actual movement around the kitchen.)    Other than that, I have been relegated to the couch, recliner, or bed.   Aaron is sick so we managed to throw in an argument just for fun, simply because we're both in foul moods and taking it out on each other.   Now we realize that arguing is not a great use of our "quality time" together, but neither of us has the energy or feels good enough to have "real" quality time.   

Tomorrow I will get out of the house long enough to go pick Ryan up from the in-law's.  It's sad that a trip in the car has become my version of freedom.  I am simply in love with the heated seats and satellite radio.  Oh the little things to be grateful for!

Walking pneumonia

The New Year always starts out with illness in the Litwin household.  I'm not sure why we have been cursed, but I can trace illnesses back since before Aaron and I got married in 2000.   Aaron started feeling badly on his birthday, which was Monday, and went to the doc yesterday where he had a 103 degree fever and a cough that just won't quit.  She diagnosed him with "walking pneumonia" and basically said that if he doesn't improve or gets worse he may need to be admitted to the hospital.    Perfect.   Having one of us down for the count is bad enough, but both of us is a nightmare.  Luckily, Aaron's parents are relatively close and took Ryan for a few days because I just can't keep up with a toddler while on one leg and Aaron is in no condition to do so either.  I am praying that a couple of days of "doing nothing" will get Aaron back to feeling human again soon.

I have been watching a lot of Food Network over the last two weeks and think that the whole station is the devil and makes me really hungry.  It's fascinating to watch all of these fantastic meals come together but frustrating because even on the knee walker there is no way I can cook anything more complicated than a sandwich right now!  I did make fajitas in the slow cooker for New Year's Eve (had family over) and they turned out really well.  I never would have known that I can do fajitas in a crock pot if I hadn't watched so much Food TV :)   I have even found myself in the mood for sushi, which is something I don't even really like so I think that these shows have some sort of subliminal messages, probably paid for by restaurants and fast food conglomerates.   That's my conspiracy theory and I'm sticking to it.

My cast is really loose so I will probably have to go back to the doc on Monday or Tuesday for a new one.  I kind of like this pink one, but I never repeat a color in succession so I have to pick something else.   Does anyone have a request or recommendation?

Happy New Year

Well, the holidays are officially over so now I think it's time for a vacation from the craziness.  Life has been a never-ending whirlwind since surgery--parts I was coherent enough to remember, and some I wish I could have forgotten.  Overall, we have had a lot of quality time with family and I feel the need for a break from the chaos.  The worst part is that I can't really do anything, so my version of a break will be more of the same thing--sitting on my butt, elevating my foot, and just working on healing.  Yippee.  

Some days my foot feels really good and I don't have much pain, but at other times it's as bad as it was immediately after the surgery.  I guess I haven't been doing my proper elevating to help reduce all of the swelling, but I do my best.  I hope the numbness in my toes goes away soon.  Right now it feels like someone shot up my pinky toe and the one next to it with novocaine which is wearing off and giving me that painful pins and needles feeling.   That's something I could really live without.  My cast is already loose and I can only imagine how much worse that is going to get.  I'm supposed to be in this pink one for 2 weeks, but doubt I'll make it that long.

Aaron is sick with some strange upper respiratory thing and that sucks because I'm supposed to go get a facial tomorrow and he's supposed to drive me because I am NOT supposed to drive yet unless I have no other choice.  So, by scheduling him for a massage I guaranteed my own transportation as a trip the spa would not fall under my doctor's guidelines of a situation where I "have to" drive.   But, now that he's so sick he may want to cancel his appointment which means there goes mine too :(    I hope he feels better soon because it's hard to be so dependent on someone who feels like hell...I don't like to make it worse.

I hope all had a very Happy New Year and a good start to 2009. I know my household is hoping 2009 will be much better health-wise than 2008!